Comedy tonight

[PSEUDOLUS]
Something familiar,
Something peculiar,
Something for everyone:
A comedy tonight!

Something appealing,
Something appalling,
Something for everyone:
A comedy tonight!

Nothing with kings, nothing with crowns
Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns!

Old situations,
New complications,
Nothing portentous or polite
Tragedy tomorrow,
Comedy tonight!

Something convulsive,
Something repulsive,
Something for everyone:
A comedy tonight!

Something aesthetic,
Something frenetic,
Something for everyone:
A comedy tonight!

Nothing with gods, nothing with fate
Weighty affairs will just have to wait!

Nothing that's formal,
Nothing that's normal,
No recitations to recite
Open up the curtain:
Comedy Tonight!

Something erratic,
Something dramatic,
Something for everyone:
A comedy tonight!

Frenzy and frolic,
Strictly symbolic,
Something for everyone:
A comedy tonight!

[ENTIRE COMPANY]
Something familiar,
Something peculiar,
Something for everybody:
Comedy tonight!
Something that's gaudy,
Something that's bawdy--

[PSEUDOLUS]
Something for everybawdy!

[ENTIRE COMPANY]
Comedy tonight!

[MILES GLORIOSUS]
Nothing that's grim.

[DOMINA]
Nothing that's Greek.

[PSEUDOLUS]
[Indicating DOMINA:]
She plays Medea later this week.

[WOMEN]
Stunning surprises!

[MEN]
Cunning disguises!

[ALL]
Hundreds of actors out of sight!

[ERRONIUS]
Pantaloons and tunics!

[SENEX]
Courtesans and eunuchs!

[HERO]
Funerals and chases!

[LYCUS]
Baritones and basses!

[PHILIA]
Panderers!

[HERO]
Philanderers!

[HYSTERIUM]
Cupidity!

[MILES]
Timidity!

[LYCUS]
Mistakes!

[ERRONIUS]
Fakes!

[DOMINA]
Rhymes!

[PHILIA]
Crimes!

[PSEUDOLUS]
Tumblers!
Grumblers!
Bumblers!
Fumblers!

[ALL]
No royal curse, no Trojan horse,
And a happy ending, of course!
Goodness and badness,
Panic is madness--
This time it all turns out all right!
Tragedy tomorrow,
Comedy tonight!